Sunday, 6 May 2012

When you are the moon

The moon is full tonight and it's massive. I'm talking seriously is this some kind of Deep Impact/Day After Tomorrow Jeff Goldblum movie or at least an episode of Mighty Boosh. Heouge. God is so big. Unfathomably. My finite mind can't conceive of it which is radical because I don't want to be able to. If I could that would make God measurable and I rest at night knowing He's not.

So I've been distracted for far too long by things which a) I can't really do anything about and b) probably aren't a problem anyway. Insecurities. What a pile of dung they are. God has told me who I am and I constantly reject it, preferring to believe I'm not enough. Not enough for God, not enough for my family, not enough for my friends and not enough for a partner. And I realise tonight what a steal that is.

These are the things I know I am, things that make me feel like me:

An encourager
An instigator

And the more I dwell inwardly on my insecurities and the things I think I lack, the less I have been those things I used to know I was. The less I encourage and the less positive I've been. Too scared to be foolish. Too concerned to be relaxed. What a thief the enemy is. Fear diminishes in the presence of awakened identities. I read that somewhere.

Know who you are. You are a beloved child of God, forever safe in Him. And be confident in the character He has given you. The more time we spend dwelling on the things we fear might be true about ourselves, the less time and energy we give to wholeheartedly being the things we know are true. I'm tired of being afraid and preoccupied with what may or may not be in my future. My future is now. And I want to spend it having fun with God and helping other people to.

Henri Nouwen - Life of the Beloved